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if i ever truly smile it’s because of my kids. Interwoven between terrible two tantrums and one-year old neediness are the moments where life seems remarkably joyful. i’m captivated on a daily basis by these small yet larger than life human beings. Lily’s first birthday is right around the corner and i can hardly believe that she is on the verge of walking any day now. where has the time gone? from one moment to the next, i’m either about to crack or they are cracking me up. sometimes i feel like the only languages i understand are Toddler and Googoogaga. these kids are definitely coming into their own and never skip an opportunity to let their personalities shine.
Leah is a unique child to say the least. if i did not speak fluent Toddler, at times i wouldn’t know what in the world she is trying to convey. even when i do know, her syntax and word choices are grammatically challenged. typical two -year old, i know, but it’s still hilarious. “I want a snack about cheese “(AKA i want some cheese for a snack) i want to hold You (AKA I want you to hold ME). Oh and she doesn’t watch Dora and Boots …she watches Dora and BOOPS. Names are a challenge for her; Zebra (Debra) Dr Lizard (Dr. Lillard) Hammer (Amber) Noah’s LIFE (Noah’s wife). She is starting to be creative in her play too. All of her stuffed animals are now her students. “That’s my class Mommy”. balls on top of cups are “Ice qweems” and animials in bowls are “Taking a baf.” these are the moments when i’m in complete awe of childhood. all the other times i’m wondering how such a beautiful and intelligent child can test me so.
Lily is so different from her sister. perhaps i should not speak too soon, but she is more mild than Leah. i don’t forget that she has not hit her twos yet, but i suspect she will not test me nearly as much. She is so good at playing by herself; when Leah has not ripped a toy out of her hand. She plays at the kitchen, putting stuff in and out of the oven. yesterday she was stirring her spoon in a bowl and then tasting it. despite her recent attachment to me, she has always been more independent than Leah. early on she never needed me to rock her to sleep almost to the point that i questioned if the kid needed me at all. to my great delight a few months ago she started to really enjoy cuddling with me. she is a Rupp after all. she loves her big sister probably more than she loves Steve or me. Leah can make her smile and i know once sharing conflicts resolve, they will be the best of friends. i just cannot comprehend how God makes us all so different and yet commonly wired to love each other.
like most moms, my kids are my life. i can’t even remember a time without them. even if i had time to reflect on a time without them, it would be interrupted with “Mom I WANT…” and that’s okay because for so long i kept saying, “God I WANT KIDS.”
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after a much needed break, i’m ready to start sharing my heart again. as the new year approaches i thank God so much for new beginnings. i feel like it’s taken the last few months to erase the pain that was scribbled on my heart. although some remnants still remain, i’m anxious to start decorating this clean slate with beautiful experiences and a hopeful attitude. i have no doubt that the new year will bring with it more pain, but i know wonderful treasures await me as well.
it’s amazing to me that with every year’s end and the beginning of a new one, i am reminded of God’s grace. despite the delusion that his grace comes and goes, i know deep down that it always remains and never runs dry. the abundance of His grace is something that no human can mimic or even come close to reflecting.
over the last few months i’ve forgotten that God’s love for me is enough. i’ve wanted so despertately to defend myself and demand the acceptance i feel i deserve. but that is not necessary. God knows the condition of my heart. He knows my thoughts and intentions with every act i commit. i will never have to explain myself to Him.
i’ve lost loved ones and friends and yet somehow have found more of myself through the unbearable pain of loss than i ever could have in life remaining unchanged. God is wonderful to me. just when i want to throw my hands up and say “Enough is enough,” he discloses the awesomes treasures that i never would have found in contentment. i pray that whatever rings in the new year will continue to keep my heart guessing. i don’t underestimate His gift of surprise.
