I’m consumed with crunching numbers. Somehow each day, my to do list doubles, the minutes are halved, and life’s infinite amount of possibilities grow limited. Life has become an all-too complicated equation of getting a desired sum total with digits that don’t seem to add up. I’m fighting the forces of a ticking clock, an unforgiving scale, and a budget with eyes bigger than its stomach. And at the end of each day I regret where I’ve been spending my emotional dollars.
I’ve mistakenly convinced myself that my worth as a human being can be found in the cleanliness of my house, the flattery of my figure, and the total of my material possessions. Instead of exhausting myself in spiritual and relational growth, I’ve become self-absorbed and shallow. I’m not sure why I’m trying to live up to standards that I hold no one else accountable to but myself.
Perhaps I strive for these tangible things because of my human condition to control. A budget is much easier to manipulate than insufficient funds in friendships. And a loss of time is easier to accept than loss of relationship with God and others. I keep hoping the recurring realization of these facts would instigate me to change.
The Bible says in Philippians 4:6-9, “Do not be anxious about anything. For in everything by petition and prayer, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
Why must I worry so much about how I will make it through this life? Has God not always taken care of me? He does not care how many things get crossed off my list, or how thin I am. He will not judge the toys and clothes stacked in piles around the house. He looks only at the condition of my heart. He sees my thoughts, my fears, my worries and ultimately He is the only one who can ease these burdens for me.
He does not want me to spend my life trying to be a mathematician who struggles to find the right formulas. He accepts me for the poet I want to be who can always find the right words to express my heart to Him and to those in my life that I so desperately need. And that, that is a wonderful thing because when it comes right down to it…I hate math.
I just want to say you are a wonderful person and are one of the most remarkable ladies I no and respect. You and Steve are wonderful parents and love your girls so honestly. I want to tell you that what you have blogged is incredible and keep on writing.
Awww. Thanks so much.